Monday, March 24, 2008

Tenía que escribir esto porque creí que hablaba de mi y si no, de mi hermano.

Me invitan cada cierto tiempo a cenas y almuerzos, y voy porque me gusta estar con gente y cumplimentarla, incluso si en secreto no comparto su optimismo respecto a estos encuentros. Voy, no por creer que vaya a divertirme, sino con la intención de observar a la gente que considera los convites momentos agradables. Pruebo su comida sofisticada, tomo vino, pongo mi parte de conversación entretenida y a menudo parto después de haber disfruado de una agradable velada, lo cual no me impide anticipar la siguiente invitación con la misma desoladora falta de esperanza. En pocas palabras, soy un ingrato.

De Phillip Lopate en Contra la alegría de vivir.

Posted by Juls at 03:24:49 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Monday, March 10, 2008

Blue

My dad in old age… he would have been wise in some matters. Important matters of the day to day. Wise in his right-brained blueness. Wise as each white hair in his beard. My dad would have been quite the old wise man with a beard. With his blue calmness and his polo jacket like the man infront today. Smelling good and evil as accurately as a doverman. He was left-handed and no engineer.

The mourning process came in dreams.

And I guess It couldn´t have been any other way since in my day hours or what some wrongly call conciousness (all this time I´ve been everything but concious) I could assure I had accepted it even before it happened — coming from the fact that I could see it coming or that it was coldly a statistic. And hell, these things are like that, either you stand up straight with strength in you thighs to hold your guts up or you´re washed away. I wish I´d allowed myself to get taken by the waves.

But i didn´t and hence, I mourned only at nighttime, alone and in my subconcious. One night at a time, I went through the whole process. I don´t know if I went by textbook definition. It does seem quite logic and tidy the way it happened.

There was always my dad and in each dream I always knew he was dead or about to die and yet he was always my dad before the crisis, the model father, the reasonable one, the support and the healthiest person I knew. Then he started appearing ill in the dreams and that´s when the logic began because there was a coherent connection between him being ill and him dying. But then he was dead again and he would come back from the dead being ill. Until one day I saw him in his coffin. Even if he was standing around in the way I like to remember him looking at his coffin, he was to me dead-dead. I basically relived the whole experience in my dreams but always knowing that he was dead.
The night I saw him in his coffin was the last time he was in my dreams as a dead person.

That was around the time I forgave him for leaving.

Posted by Juls at 01:30:52 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

On the entitlement to happiness and how I didn`t say no (good over truth revisited)

The homeless man sitting outside with his back to the seven-eleven wall turned to look at me and said, ¨Are you catholic as well?¨


Without hesitating, I replied, ¨Yes, I am.¨

Raising his arms 60 degrees upward, he said, ¨Glory-be to God!¨

So long as all I can offer this man is a muffin-top and a ¨yes¨with a smile to brighten his day, I won`t say no, even to something like being catholic.

Posted by Juls at 01:02:05 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The last time I saw Anwar M. (and the lastestest perhaps)

Anwar M. and I had something going back then. He´d sent me three dozen roses that one time. I told him right after that I didn´t love him. And it was true, too. I´d fallen in love with Andres when I´d seen him at the Jacuzzi of Suntide III with all his devotees. I was thirteen years old. My heart couldn´t be fragmented at the time. I knew nothing of how complicated relationships can get.

So maybe two or three years went by. I went on to keep falling madly in and out of love with Andres and started loving others just a bit. Truth be told, they were easier to love than Andres.

Anwar M., on his part, went on to god knows what. I heard some rumors about marriage with some Marcela G.

This one day, my friend had a fight with her former-boyfriend-now-husband-father-of-her-two-kids and asked me to go get some drinks with her to complain her mind off. I said yes, naturally. She ended up drinking her mind off and so did I.

At about the middle of the lovely evening we were having, Anwar M. comes in the restaurant with a girl whom I took to be Marcela G. We quickly searched for any signs of a ring with no apparent success, we never got a good look at her hand. He didn´t say hello or even acknowledge us, or me for that matter.

Drinks came, nachos went, complaints turned into laughter. He never so much as looked at us but he took care of our bill. I´d say we´re even.

Posted by Juls at 15:56:07 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Monday, January 14, 2008

La vida luminosa

Las sillas eran de colores. Es decir, cada silla era de un color distinto. Un lugar que aparenta la vida costeña, diría yo que del Pacifico, pero seguramente lo digo por haberme sentido cómoda (no me gusta el Golfo). Hablamos del desierto de un lugar que 4 de 5 comensales conocíamos y de una vida ajena ya a todos en que tomábamos vino de un tetrapack porque era lo que podíamos costear. Dijimos haber sido felices mientras el Licor del 43 con expresso seguía llegando.

Dijo Hermine al Steppenwolf:

Whoever wants to live and enjoy his life today must not be like you and me. Whoever wants music instead of noise, joy instead of pleasure, soul instead of gold, creative work instead of business, passion instead of foolery, finds no home in this trivial world of ours—.

Posted by Juls at 15:35:56 | Permalink | No Comments »

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Chocolate de la Fortuna

Algún proverbio en algún lugar decía algo así:

Un viejo que ha vivido cien años es tan sabio como un jóven que ha visitado 100 ciudades.

Pasa que soy joven y he visitado mas de 100 ciudades y mi sabiduría aciende a quizá 1.5 conecciones neuronales brillantes (o semi-brillantes dependiendo que haga con ellas) basadas en experiencia mezclado con una buena relación de conceptos cada 40 días en promedio y eso, en invierno.

Lo que resulta en algo que, seguramente quien dijo el proverbio, no previó. No previó los viajes que organiza el gobierno de China, ni las ciudades en dónde se encuentran situados los Disneylandias o el barquito que te lleva por el canal de Brujas con el guía ininteligible. Tampoco presagió la maravillosa caja de foquitos que te lleva a lugares tan insospechados como Talpiot, Jerusalén desde la comodidad de tu casa en dónde nunca sabrás el grado de humedad ni tendrás el sentimiento de claustro y de antigüedad que quizá se genera ahí dentro o no.

Un viaje (entiéndase un translado de una ciudad a otra) no garantiza descubrimiento, ni focos encendidos, ni despertares iniciáticos.
Talvez no hay que ir a ningun lado, o ¿es que Voltaire viajó a todos los lugares a los que viajó Cándido? O quizá hay que ir a todos, (si no tenemos el wit de Voltaire) hasta los más remotos, desde el ejido vecino hasta Kapooka en Australia para encontrar que en Singapur hay casi la misma vegetación que en Tampico para después darte cuenta que si hubieras puesto atención en la clase de geografía sabrías que eso es perfectamente predecible.

Pero seguimos viajando, seguimos viendo, llenando la cajita de datos e imagenes, cada vez a mayor velocidad, expandiendo nuestra memoria para meter más y más. En mi caso, en espera de que un día me haga clic algo en la cabeza.

Posted by Juls at 15:56:46 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Warma meets the Canibal

Starring: Juls as the Warma | Albert as the Canibal

 

In comes the Caníbal

Caníbal: It’s like warm dharma

Warma

Warma: I´m a Warma

Caníbal: I like Warma

Warma: they call me Warma

Caníbal: Oh yea?

Who does?

Warma: Warma is what they call me, but it´s not my name

Caníbal: Oh, so now a warma is a weird species and not a name

Warma: They call me Warma because of my species

they are ignorant and don´t realize I have a name of my own

I am the first Warma ever seen by the human eye

Caníbal: What is thy name?


Warma: Warma-0458

I come from the far planets off the western skies and I am here to eat you

Caníbal: Not to eat me!

For that… is not possible

!

Warma: My mouth is as big as a warma´s mouth can get

Caníbal: NOT!… possible

Warma: I can eat you whole

Caníbal: Eat whole human, it’s good for your digestion

“Yeah, I used to eat refined human, only, but my digestion was terrible. I went into the whole-human plan for two weeks and now I’m feeling better than ever”

Warma: You are right earthling, whole-human is the way to go

Caníbal: Eat healthy

All the fiber is in the skin


Don’t peel your human before eating it

But do wash it well for they are covered in all sorts of chemicals they put on everyday

specially their scalps and faces

. Be particularly careful in the washing of the female genre which, by the way, normally has a slightly tart taste.

Warma: Tart?

Caníbal: Ya

Warma: What do you mean?

Caníbal: Lemony, tasting sour like a lemon

sharp tasting

Warma: Ah, I shall take that into consideration, I´ve never eaten women

Caníbal: I also recommend the human testicles if you have a taste for the bitter flavors



They are best at around age 15, and taste better deep fried, in my opinion


Warma: Yikes

I´ve never tasted no 15 year old





,

they tell us to eat human when they´re in their 20´s

that´s when they get stressed and taste better

Caníbal: Stress makes them taste better, eh? Does that not make the flesh hard and chewy?

Por cierto, Warma-0458, disculpa que no me haya presentado

Soy el canibal de la Guerrero

Warma: What the?

It´s you the canibal? I have come to earth in search of you

Caníbal: Aha!

Now you have found me Warma-0458

Warma: Say, what age are you?

Caníbal: I am, uhmm…

I must find out, for I don’t know,

mid thirties?

Warma: Ahh

Worry not, I´ve never tasted a mid thirties human, i shall not taste for now

Caníbal: Good

I must say…

I am getting tired of eating human

I must try something more… exotic

the ultimate foreign dish, you know, warma-0458? What could that be?

I have tasted everything living on the land and in the sea and in the sky. Everything on this planet.

What could thrill my taste buds now?

What could it be?

Nothing from this planet, I don’t think.

Nothing from this planet.

Warma: Yea, well, nice to meet you canibal, I, uh, have to go, you know, some blokes waiting for me… and… (humito)

Caníbal: Right… where.. what the..

Posted by Juls at 04:08:04 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

de responsabilidades

Mientras me cortaba el cabello el malhumorado y sobrevaluado hombre encontré esto que disipó mi molestia y que sirve muy bien a un proposito que traigo en mente:

En un letras libres de octubre decìa F. Savater acerca de Vargas Llosa:

Porque tal es el mejor beneficio que puede hacerse a nuestros conciudadanos: mostrarles que hay opciones, alternativas y oportunidades estrictamente razonables màs allà de lo que la rutina polìtica establecida sabe ofrecer.

Una hermosa expresiòn del Cantar del Mio Cid dice, si no recuerdo mal: “lengua sin manos, no es de fiar”. La lengua, la hermosa y rica y jocunda lengua de Mario Vargas Llosa ha sabido demostrar en cada momento oportuno que siempre pone manos a la obra y por tanto puede– pudo, podrà…-confiarse en ella.

En responsabilidades he estado pensando ùltimamente. Aquí lo que hicieron mis amigos de Tabasco:

Convirtieron, ante las atrocidades que se cometieron involucrando el agua de las presas, la página web de su negocio en una lista conteniendo entre cuentas bancarias para depositar donaciones, listados de centros de acopio, de albergues y una largo etc. Pero eso fue lo de menos.

En la radio como en la televisión escuchaban un sinfin de nombres de desaparecidos, algunos para nunca escucharlos otra vez, algunos que se emitian una y otra y otra vez. Los albergues comenzaban a registrar a sus albergados, me parece que por intervención del ejercito. Aun así, para las familias eso quería decir, en ocasiones, ir de albergue en albergue o esperar a escuchar un nombre en un medio de comunicación para reunirse con algunos de sus familiares, si es que los encontraban a todos.

Mis amigos hicieron una base de datos de los albergados. Algo, que al escribirlo justo ahora, me hizo sentir una especie de traición al acto puesto que el enunciado no hace honor a lo que eso significa. Significa atender a una necesidad que primeramente, no fue impulsada por una crisis personal, segundo, no es una necesidad inmediata o superficial, como lo sería el alimento y no era algo que estuviera a su alcance próximo. Encontraron una necesidad que se les pudo escapar a muchos, e hicieron por cubrirla. Ahora había acceso a listas con todos los nombres en un solo lugar y con un motor de busqueda.

“Les moments de crise produisent un redoublement de vie chez les hommes” escribió Chateaubriand. Y ¿cuando no hay o YA no hay crisis aparente? Yo solo puedo imaginar un momento de crisis como aquel mas nunca lo he vivido. Y el día que yo volé a Tabasco, quizá un mes despues, me parecío increible verle en buenos animos y esto me dejó pensando que ya todo estaba bien, pero la realidad es que el nivel del agua seguía marcado en sus paredes.

Siempre hay algo por hacer.
 

Posted by Juls at 23:00:59 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Friday, December 7, 2007

And, or, but, nor

The sole idea of being disposable provokes two feelings inside me; they live together but arrive at no truce. A duel of feelings, if you please. The observer claims to be “objective”. But I don´t. I root for only one and yet, can´t stay away from the other one.

At it´s respective and most likely, obvious, extreme is the one which produces the most anxiety: the feeling that i have been cheated out of my divine right to be essential and irreplaceable, just as i´ve been told since the day i was born by mom and dad and on through it all and even now that I read and embrace all this oriental deal. Wouldn´t we all want to be well-valued but hell, we don´t even know our own face-value. And then, on the other side, and for a couple of minutes of the day of my wage-earning life, i feel free. Seems I could do anything or even nothing, if that were my wish.

And in their simplest forms, it appears to me as though the former, just as the latter could be true, if only they could co-exist in a friendly manner. That we are, in the great scheme of things, essential, is true, taking what Blaise Pascal stated to be true: “Had Cleopatra’s nose been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been different.” So believing that we are essential could lead to both: being anxious about being essential but not coming through as such (in a lesser scheme which might be just as real) or feeling free since, no matter what we do, essentiality is part of our make-up.

The problem resides then, as everything else, in the way this condition of being essential or being disposable is viewed. Being both at the same time could and, more often times than not, happen. We are essential by nature so we could also be disposable at a given point without losing our essential quality. So my answer could lie in extending those two minutes of the day in which I feel free and understand that being essential is inherent to me no matter how disposable my employers decide to make me. Sounds as simple as it actually is and yet, anxiety´s still there.

Posted by Juls at 23:05:06 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

we tend to forget

what keeps a kid from taking up smoking at the age of 6? the guy said that he quit smoking by the time he was 7.

not so evident suddenly.

then it struck me enlightening when she said — tu sais, les enfants de la guerre sont tout a fait differents.

we tend to forget we don´t all come from the same place.

Posted by Juls at 21:53:17 | Permalink | Comments (6)